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I am so Excited as my heart and soul anticipate all that I have believed and hoped for the past three years…that my suffering had purpose…that the removal of my breast had meaning…that my sacrifice was a must, a storm with purpose, bigger than merely oneself…that my scars are to be shared as they represent millions of women and families afflicted by cancer and have the power to save lives. The anticipation of promises that will exceed my wildest dreams is great…
With greatness comes trials, traps, and distraction. It’s ridiculously easy to fall into the why me trap… Oh Lord why did I get cancer? Why was I only 28? Why are my days so obviously numbered and unpredictable? Why must I be forsaken, mutilated, sacrificed?…Why can’t I just be normal? The “why me” path is a slippery sneaky steep slope….waiting to push you down, stomp on you, beat the passion, the happiness, the resilience right out of you! I imagine the why me clan as little green slimy sticky blobs, rolling around, tired, lonely, angry…Looking for others to join them, looking to steal joy, hopes, and dreams….to push you down that slippery slope and keep you there!!!
Through my faith in our Lord and Savior he has held me high above the why me clan…High above the ledge of the slippery slope, shielded me, and continues to make me resilient in the face of adversity…He has held my hand and walked me through each one of my surgeries, he was there patting my back as I cried when I got the news that I had cancer, wiping the tears away…Putting my soul at ease when I was assigned and in some essence confined and limited to a five-year window of survival…When the thought that I would not be there for my newborn baby’s first day of kindergarten crossed my mind…He sent Angels to watch over me and allowed me to be grateful and humble when I was at my sickest…They lovingly whispered you are blessed into my ear, it echoed through my heart and soul and poured from my mouth like an eternal waterfall…To feel like the happiest most blessed person alive when I didn’t know if I would see a tomorrow…The strength to close my eyes at night and go to sleep when I was terrified I would not rise with tomorrows sun…That this night would be my very last…He said child, whom shall you fear? Death? Death has no place unless I speak it so, and he tucked me into bed every night and kissed my forehead…A kiss of protection, of peace, that no matter what the future held, the Lord would be right there by my side…
Three years later I have held onto his promises, his promise to use what was meant to harm me to elevate me, the agreement through faith that I would do my best to do his works and he would open the doors of impossibility…send Angels on earth to assist in his plan…as he has! I am so very very grateful, humble, and thankful…Faithful…I stand here in anticipation, dreaming with the Lord side by side, plotting, planning…Hanging on for dear life to his promise, striking down any words that pose opposition, and when I get knocked down…doubtful, inpatient…allowing words of opposition to cut through my fibers like a dull blade… to penetrate…In these times I thank the Lord for my struggles, storms, and sacrificial purpose…respect them, search my soul for the lessons to be learned… He helps me back up, and together we pick up all my dreams, faith, and hopes that scattered upon my fall. I humbly thank the Lord for his mercy and grace…We then proceed down the path of destiny, hand in hand…The Lord is my Sheppard I shall fear no evil! No EVIL…Not the face of death, not the sacrifices, NOT CANCER!!! Cancer can take from you, but one thing it can not and in the process of trying make your bond stronger…YOUR relationship with the Lord! FAITH
I ask you, if the Lord is by your side who shall stand against you???… Together we shout NO ONE!!!
Psalm 91:1-16 ESV
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, …
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